17 November 2009

Well, I don't even know where to begin. I think that this has been the weirdest two weeks ever. The weekend after Halloween, Bucky and Vampire came to visit. Both of them were pre-warned about the current situation and of course E confronted at least Bucky (and then tried to hit on Vampire...my ex/one of my best friends). Well apparently not only have I tried to have sex with J, but I've actually succeeded in hooking up with him, that's a laugh. I told him this and his response was, "Well, was it good?" me: "Well since I talked about it, it must've been good." But anyway, I don't know what the hell is going on anymore. I'm aware that M hates me, that T just won't associate with me unless weed is involved and E is civil but not friends. C might not trust me right now because of what T told him, but I did talk to him and I did apologize and he accepted the apology and I guess we're on good terms now BUT apparently he wants to perform a psychological experiment on me which I totally don't approve of so now I'm completely confused and really don't know what to think bleh :(
On another, even less happy note, my JPo panel didn't go too well. Why? Well it has something to do with me lacking the capability to memorize poems. I've never been able to, NEVER. I don't know why, and it's not like I haven't tried but it just won't work at all and it sucks, because I did want to but I guess with so much other information in my head, stuff that doesn't really need to be there I guess and stuff that isn't organized at all, it's just hard to stick things in there on purpose and it really isn't fair. It probably has something to do with my chemotherapy treatment as a kid, my loss of hearing, the possibility of having ADD etc. But on top of that, they thought I was "temporarily phlegmatic" = void of showing emotions. And really, it isn't temporary, I just don't show emotions unless I'm extremely sad or distraught. Nonetheless, I at least did not fail, which is good. But I hate poetry even more now and cannot wait to be done with it so I'm gonna tough it out.
On an earlier note, I just showed V, C's status about doing a psych experiment on me and she suggested that he's just trying to see how much I care and how many people I ask about it etc which is brilliant so I'm not going to talk to anyone else about it unless they bring it up and then I'll be like yea so what? Stupid people.
BUT there's this guy back home, only a few hours south (okay...kinda more like 9 hours south as in San Diego area) but he's a sweetheart and I can't wait to go see him again during Christmas break

Just a side note

I wish I could write my homework with as much passion as I write these entrees cuz then it would be a hella lot easier and faster.

She Smashed the Rearview Mirror Cuz Starting Today She's Not Looking Back

Ok, so I completely forgot to write all weekend. So much happened. First, there was Thursday night: Halloween TGIT followed by drunkness at E's which concluded with me being the last to leave, leaving E and J (the stupid gradstudent friend of T's) alone after exchanging many obvious affectionate passes throughout the night. So this pissed me off because I'm supposedly allowed to be yelled at for just talking to him and exchanging meaningless flirts, but she's allowed to get friendly with him and there's no consequence? Does that make ANY sense? Well, in my mind it doesn't but I let it pass, whatever, I'm not gonna get involved if she wants to bring herself down, she can do it by herself. Then Friday passed with only one bad thing happenning: T apparently told C that I told her bout him and E and so he was all pissed at me and can't trust me anymore (word C, I never asked you to trust me just like you never asked me to trust you and sometimes the entire truth is necessary when you want help but if you can't understand that then maybe you really aren't worth having around) but the funny thing is, i never actually said anything it was more like T asked me and I didn't give an answer cuz I'm not going to tell a straight lie and anyone who knows me understands that but apparently C doesn't. SO aside from that we drank and watched movie after movie (love Boondock Saints!!!!), went to Taco C at like 3:30am, was going to go to the club at 4 but got too tired and just watched more movies, eventually passing out around 4:30, woke up at 8:30am and walked home to sleep some more. And then there was Saturday. Happy Halloween! The night had a rough start, there weren't many jello-shots, we didn't make it to the liqour store on time cuz some peoples love to shop and they only sell hard stuff until 9pm (lame right?) so we went and got some beer to add to our handle of rum, vodka and kahlua. Happy to say, some tequila showed up at some point and we didn't run out of alcohol. It was a great night until E makes out with this guy M has a huge thing for right now (funny how she does everything I've been yelled at for and she's closer friends with them...so isn't this a harsher betrayal?) and then this chic (P) who doesn't really have anything to do with the whole drama shit, takes me outside and starts talking to me about it. Now, she has a legit reason for being mad with me (I blacked out one night a year ago and was friendly with her bf, but of course he's not to blame at all), but she didn't yell, actually she was rather gentle about it but her bf's sister decided to cut in and she has absofuckinglutely no right. This chic has met me once before and so she goes rambling on about how the night we met I was throwing my self at every guy (what guys? Dukels, who is like a brother? the two guys whose names i knew and talked to for like 2 minutes? C who i yelled at? the gay guys? really.....grrrrr ugh.) and about how J said that I tried to have sex with him which is complete bullshit but then she was like "what the hell are you doing here? no one in there likes you, they're all talking shit about you. they might be nice to your face, but they all hate you and want to know why the hell you're here" and then Md comes out and she like "you heard them talking bout her right?" and he's completely confused so he agrees and then she leaves and after she leaves, Md's like "yea everythings been going in one ear and out the other tonight" but then P comes back out and at this point i was just sick of hearing the same bullshit so i just let her talk, apologized and then she left. After that, it was a good night until I talked to K who told me that M (not Md) had been talking shit about me rather loudly everytime I left the room and that the only reason T was joining sides with E and M was because "desperate times called for desperate measures" that's great bullshit T. It's nice to know how much faith you have in me, and you still haven't told me what the hell your problem is, so I done with this. There's no point in looking back, it's time to smash the rearview mirror.
then finally, the last act of the weekend, J texts me sunday evening is all like "you didn't meet my dog yesterday" my response: "um that's nice...so?" J: "why are you being a jerk?" me: "cuz i was told u said that i wanted to sleep w u....and obviously i'm a little pissed" yea there was no response to that so a couple hours later i texted him: "feel free to defend urself if its not true...but the packers lost too" (he's a packers fan, and i was just saying its a lost cause just like the packer's game) I still haven't gotten any response. And perhaps that's for the best because it's really time to move on and be myself again. I'm not a slut, I'm not a smoker, drinking is fun but not necessary, school work is hella important and so is work. I know that somewhere inside of me is that girl I used to be, the one who could go to mass with a clear conscience, the one who focused on school and work and got great grades, the one who used to laugh all the time, the one who could sing...the one who was pretty on the inside and outside, the one who never cried.
Speaking of school work, those annotations need to be finished, 18 to do, 26 hours to do them in; let's do this shit.

The World Will Keep Spinning

Well, let's see. Today was a typical day I guess. I woke up for work feeling sick as hell but went anyway. My 11am class is canceled until after Thanksgiving because it's time to focus on finishing those annotations and study for our orals. So I told my boss that I could work during that hour until then, which is good for me cuz that's more money in the bank which I could use at the moment. I skipped my audit class in order to go find a cigar shop that sells cloves still and it took forever to find and when we did, they were out and their shipment doesn't come in until 6 so I'll have to go tomorrow which sucks cuz I wanted to get some as an apology present for M. It's the least I can do I guess. So that was the most awkward car ride with E that I've ever had, I mean, neither of us will really open up to each other about what's going on in life right now cuz neither of us trust each other at the moment. T on the other hand is still being a bitch about this whole thing, and I just don't get it. I have never done anything against her, never. You know, I haven't told anyone this, but for the first time in my life, the night that this all happened, I contemplated suicide because the one friendship I valued most here was taken from me. I guess Rome really does change people, I wonder if any of this would've happened if I had gone. I could've gone and at least I wouldn't have missed out on that chapter of her life and might be able to understand her better but I didn't go.
My roommate is making cookies right now. Sugar cookies. Yum.

this is the black and white: don't lose the truth

I'm 20 years old now, a junior at a small private college somewhere in the middle of Texas, far from home in California. I'm an English major who wants to possibly go into journalism, possibly be a tattoo artist and on the side, I want to write a book. Not sure what the book will be about yet, maybe about how much the friends you make in college can be such backstabbing bitches or how unfair it is that guys can sleep around and not be shunned for it or maybe your typical romance where the girl falls for a guy that doesn't deserve her and refuses to be with her and she just can't get him out of her head and doesn't know why she cares so much about him and of course they don't end up together in the end (or will they? I've got another year and a half left to figure that out). But right now I'm trying to focus on writing an annotated bibliography on Sylvia Plath, as a poet. And don't get me wrong, she's a wonderful poet and her writing is incredibly deep BUT I'm fucking sick of reading about her poetry, reading her poems and analyzing them. Why this is part of the requirements for being an English major makes no sense, some of us just aren't cut out to deal with poetry. But that's not the point of this blog. No, see, it came to me in my editing class as we were discussing how journalist should use blogs for news. It just hit me that with the events of last Friday, maybe I should keep track of my life in college and how much I regret so many things. This past Friday I was accused of the following things among others: that I'm a cold-hearted backstabbing lying bitch who throws herself at every guy she meets. The claims came out of no where, on a perfect good night, from three girls (two of which I did consider to be my closest friends here...apparently I was wrong) who couldn't really back their accusations. Yes, I had T's last season boytoy's phone number, he gave it to me and I thought it might be useful at some point but I've never used it. And yes, I claimed I wanted to f*** the grad student when I was first introduced to him, but that was before I started talking to him and got to know him. And yes, T, I do talk to him pretty much everyday about stuff as random as sex but it's because we're friends now and we like to talk. And sure, I've made out with my fair share of guys, all when I'm drunk, some who have stayed around and become close friends and others who don't matter and we never see again- that's college for you, I'm not the only one.
But it wasn't so much these accusations that hurt, it was the fact that T, who hates E and was always telling us to NEVER trust her, for some reason decided that now was the time to trust E against me, someone who was pretty much bffs with her; that's what hurt, that's what confuses me the most. Why do we do it? Why do we tell people to never trust someone and then trust them when they're making serious accusations against our friends?
And why is E being all friendly with me again after saying that this friendship was over between them 3 and me? Is it just me or does that not seem at all right? Or maybe I'm just missing something here, I mean T and M definitely won't talk to me period but E is just chatting away like normal.
So the purpose of this blog is:
1. to give me a place to vent
2. to give me a place to spill all the fucking secrets people keep telling me
3. to express my true self, so I don't lose myself being so fake around these people
and 4. so that when the time comes, I can say "hey, you want to know my thoughts? read this bitch, cuz you won't get more truth then words from the past"